Sometimes Life is Crazy.

"This is a really great Children's hospital.  I hope we never have to spend any time here with our child someday"

"You know, 23 weeks is the new age of viability."

The first statement was said by me to Lauren walking in to Medical City to visit my cousin who had just delivered her baby.  I was about 7 weeks pregnant.

The second statement was said to me by a girl who I had just met that day.  She was a previous NICU nurse, and I remember that statement sticking with me.   We talked about how far medicine has come, and what amazing things they can do now for babies so little...I was about 20 weeks pregnant then.  It was kind of crazy looking back.   I  truly believe this encounter was a way for the Lord to prepare my heart for what was go come.

I told you, life is crazy.

I remember waking up that Wednesday after her delivery about noon after sleeping a few hours.  It was time to pump.  I pumped religiously every 3 hours for the first 5 weeks, then chilled out a bit at week 5-7 as things weren't progressing, and some of Davis' nurses and the lactation nurse took the guilt away from me and said it was time to stop trying to make something happen that just wasn't.  BUT, that will be a completely different post!

Backing up...in my delivery, my doctor knew right away that my amniotic fluid was infected when she opened me up.  Remember, Davis had been halfway in the birth canal and halfway in my uterus for two days....so we were both at risk for an infection during that time.  There was initially some uncertainty on if I had an infection that caused me to go into preterm labor, or if I had something called an "Incompetent Cervix" that caused me to go into labor. (I know...it sounds super insulting/rude as my brother in law stated.  He's right...they really should find another name for it!)

Normally, when women are diagnosed with IC, they go into labor around 17-20 weeks with no chance to save the baby.  My OB told me the fact that this happened at 23 weeks with an opportunity to give Davis a chance was much more rare, so they wanted to wait on the cultures to come back on Davis first.  If she did not have an infection yet, then they would know that I developed this over the last 2 days.  Not something I had prior, that may have caused my labor.

This was a major concern for us in the early couple days, that Davis may already be born with an infection.  Amazingly, her cultures came back negative, which was a huge advantage for her early on.    With this result, the verdict was that I indeed had IC.  My OB came and talked to me about it a day or two later.  I remember just crying and retracing the previous week and asking her if her was anything I could have done differently.  I had worked out really hard the day before...did that cause it?   I just remember feeling guilt that I had to work through.  Even though she reassured me there was literally nothing I could have done differently, I still struggled with a feeling of responsibility.  This was just one of those things in life that happened, and we could not have predicted or prevented with the way my pregnancy had gone so smoothly.

Fast forward to Wednesday afternoon...I was stuck in bed, super swollen, had not showered since Sunday night and was dying to shower and shave my legs.  I still had my epidural in and catheter and waited all day it seemed to get them out.  I remember my nurse was a little worried about me getting sicker, and called the doctor to order some lasix to pull off some of the fluid.  That worked amazing, and I started to feel so much better.  I was on some pretty heavy antibiotics and had to stay in the hospital until Sunday morning because of that.  Thankfully, everything on me trended in the right direction, I was able to finally get out of bed to shower around 4pm.  There was the sweetest tech there that helped me.  I literally still couldn't feel my right leg that much, but after being in bed since Sunday, I really didn't care...I was getting out of bed whether they let me or not.  If I fell, I really didn't care...I was taking a shower!  (I know, I was that patient!)

I remember being nervous to see Davis, and I was hesitant to go down there a lot.  She was on the 4th floor and I was on the 9th floor.  I had never been in a NICU before.  I had been on pediatric units, but never a NICU.  It is very different.  It was so sad to me at first.  Super overwhelming.  New concepts, new words, new rules.  Just a lot to process.  Lauren wheeled me down there, and I just remember how tiny she was.  I remember telling her hello and talking to her.  I also remember being really guarded and afraid to get close to her.  I met Dr. August that day, and she quickly became my favorite neonatologist.  She is the most calm, cautiously optimistic, and kind doctor.  She is so smart and just the perfect fit for the career she has.  She told us that Davis was doing well, but that micro preemies have what is called a "honeymoon phase".  Usually the first 3 days they do really well, then we may start to see some issues.  She also told us about her lines in her belly button that they placed and the medicines she was on to keep her blood pressure up.  She told us that she would get a head ultrasound   a few days later to check for brain bleeds.  She told us these were very common in babies Davis' size, and it would give us a good indication of the course she might take.  That was probably the first hurdle I can identify that I focused on that first week.  I wanted so desperately for her little brain to be ok.

Looking at her in her isolette, she didn't feel like my baby.  I really had just gotten used to the idea that I was actually pregnant when we had her 20 week ultrasound and found out she was a girl.  I kept struggling to believe that we really had a baby, and I was looking at her.  It was the strangest experience.  I was very afraid to love her at first.  I guarded my heart that first week or two.  I didn't feel a connection to her for a while, and I'm here to say that that is ok.  Feel all the feelings.  Process all the emotions.  But don't let the fear overtake you.  At some point, I had to just trust the Lord that He is GOOD.  This outcome may not be, but we are in this, and we have to see it through as her parents.

Something I said about a billion times during our NICU stay, and it's even in some of our videos, is "this is crazy".

I just couldn't help myself.  As I remember the statement I made at 7 weeks and the conversation I had at 20 weeks...all I can really say is, life is just crazy.  Crazy good, crazy bad, crazy scary, crazy amazing.  Sometimes, there will be statements, events, conversations, people, and experiences that just make it all so clear.  We are all woven together in this crazy fabric of events that is life.  It all has a purpose.  Even the things that may seem insignificant at the time.  It all matters...and it's pretty freaking crazy :)

Keep following along if you like as we share more of our journey!